GBeilschmidt
by gimme.that.booty
Summary: It started with Matthew Williams falling in love with a red-eyed man over Instagram then it suddenly turned into a gang fight and strange foreign men appearing at his doorstep? Party at the William's residence! A PruCan. WARNING: this is a crack fic. Don't expect any serious plot. OFFENSIVE HUMOUR IN LATER CHAPTERS IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE DO NOT READ
1. KumaKamera

**So this idea came to me a couple days ago and I decided to write it down**

**PLEASE NOTE: most of the messaging between Matt and Gil is on Instagram direct messaging. For those of you who have IG you know about the new update but for those of you who don't I shall explain: On Instagram you can now send pictures to specific people you're following and only they can see it. You can also message each other.**

**Enjoy~**

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilschmidt:<strong> I did not expect u to look like that

* * *

><p>I received the direct message when I posted my first 'selfie'. I had never posted one before because I made that account to post pictures of views and to show off my photography skills. I called myself 'KumaKamera', a pun on my dog's name. I never planned to post any pictures of myself but one day I gave in and did it. That's when <em>he <em>massaged me.

I stared at the message from 'G_Beilschmidt'. I was used to getting messages from my followers, I mean, I was famous on Instagram so I was always getting messages from my followers telling me how nice my pictures were. I never replied, though. But, this message caught my eye. Not because of the words, because of the picture above it.

The man in the picture had red eyes. Something about those eyes made me want to reply to him so badly. I was about to but then I stopped myself. I never, ever reply to people. Oh, but I wanted to. I contemplated whether to hit the send button or not. I finally decided that I should do a little stalking first.

I tapped my finger on 'G_Beilschmidt' and his profile popped up:

**Germany/24/Single/Awesome**

I _hmph_ed as I read it. It really bugged me when people had things like that on their profiles. I didn't even have anything on mine. I didn't care. I just wanted to post scenic pictures.

I scrolled down his account more. He had many photos of him out partying with his friends. He seemed harmless. I came to the conclusion that I would message him back:

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilscmidt: <strong>I did not expect u to look like that

**KumaKamera: **What did u thing i would look like

**G_Beilscmidt: **a girl

**G_Beilscmidt: **well u look like a girl but i though you would actually be a chick. not a guy

**KumaKamera: **excuse me?

**G_Beilscmidt: **hahaha sorry man. its just cuz posting scenic shit is kinda a girly thing to do

**KumaKamera: **your rude. you dont even know me and you tell me i look like a girl

**G_Beilscmidt: **welcome to the internet kid

**KumaKamera: **do i actually look like a girl?

**G_Beilscmidt: **ya but your cute so its k

* * *

><p>I was a bit taken aback by his answer. I didn't know what to say so I ended up changing the subject<p>

* * *

><p><strong>KumaKamera: <strong>ur eyes are cool

**G_Beilscmidt: **thanks. im an albino so i have red eyes. yours are cool too. they look purple

**KumaKamera: **thanks that's just because of the light though. they're blue in normal lighting

**G_Beilscmidt: **do you believe in love at first sight?

**KumaKamera: **um, what?

**G_Beilscmidt: **answer me

**KumaKamera: **not really. plus Romeo and Juliet fell in love at first sight and look how they ended up

**G_Beilscmidt: **lol dude

**KumaKamera: **why would you ask something absurd like that

**G_Beilscmidt: **hahaha no reason. youre pretty fun

**KumaKamera: **thanks

**G_Beilscmidt: **can i message you again some time?

i**KumaKamera:** guess. i don't normally reply to these things

**G_Beilscmidt: **why'd you reply to me?

**KumaKamera: **cuz of your eyes

**G_Beilscmidt: **love at first siiiiiight~

* * *

><p>I ended the conversation there. The next day he sent me another picture. This time it was just of his eyes.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilscmidt: <strong>what's your name?

**KumaKamera: **i dont reveal my name online

**G_Beilscmidt: **thats annoying

**KumaKamera: **you're annoying

**G_Beilscmidt: **oooo harsssssh

**G_Beilscmidt: **awe why'd u stop replying

**G_Beilscmidt: **come baaaaaack

**G_Beilscmidt: **dont leave meeeeee

**G_Beilscmidt: **:(

**KumaKamera: **calm down i was taking a shower!

**G_Beilscmidt:** tmi, man. now im picturing u naked

**KumaKamera:** ew wtf

**G_Beilscmidt:** where do u live?

**KumaKamera: **creep. im not telling u where i live

**G_Beilscmidt: **i live in Germany

**KumaKamera: **i know

**G_Beilscmidt: **wtf? how?

**KumaKamera: **i stalked your profile

**G_Beilscmidt: **why no follow?

**KumaKamera: **fuck off

**G_Beilscmidt: **somebodys grumpyyyyy

**KumaKamera: **its early where i live. im getting ready for work. of course im grumpy

**G_Beilscmidt: **where do u work

**KumaKamera: **not saying

**G_Beilscmidt: **your no fun

**KumaKamera: **bye

**G_Beilscmidt: **nooooooo

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilscmidt: <strong>hiiiiiiiii

**KumaKamera: **no

**G_Beilscmidt: **why bother replying then

**G_Beilscmidt: o**k i take that back

**G_Beilscmidt: **talk to me

**G_Beilscmidt: **pleeeaaaseee

**G_Beilscmidt: **come baaaack

**KumaKamera: **hi

**G_Beilscmidt: **yay!

**KumaKamera: **why do u even wanna talk to me?

**G_Beilscmidt: **idk its fun i guess

**KumaKamera: **ok

**G_Beilscmidt: **since your not telling me your name im gonna call u birdie

**KumaKamera: **why

**G_Beilscmidt: **cuz u remind me of my bird

**KumaKamera: **bye

**G_Beilscmidt: **no thats not a bad thing!

**G_Beilscmidt:**come back

**G_Beilscmidt: **birrrrddddiiiieeeee

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilscmidt: <strong>are u single?

**KumaKamera: **my love life should not be of concern to you

**G_Beilscmidt: **oh, but it is

**KumaKamera: **and why is that?

**G_Beilscmidt: **cuz i think im falling for you

**KumaKamera: **u dont even know me

**G_Beilscmidt: **so?

**KumaKamera: **what if im a 90 year old pedo

**G_Beilscmidt: **god ur such a turn off

**KumaKamera: **good

**KumaKamera:**...but are u serious

**G_Beilscmidt: **ya. ur pretty hot

**KumaKamera: **yes i am. but u dont know me. u shouldnt love me

**G_Beilscmidt: **whatever

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilscmidt: <strong>you live in canada right

**KumaKamera: **im not even gonna ask how u figured that out...

**G_Beilscmidt: **so u do! ha!

**KumaKamera: **shit...

**G_Beilscmidt: **i no because i recognize where u live from the 2010 olympics... WHISTLER!

**KumaKamera: **ok but still, how did you figure it out!?

**G_Beilscmidt: **from your pictures

**KumaKamera: **hold on for a sec...

**KumaKamera: **shitshitshit

**G_Beilscmidt: **HAHAHAHA

**KumaKamera: **im such an idiot...

**G_Beilscmidt: **ya, how the hell did u not notice that a 'welcome to whistler' sign is in the background of a couple of your pics hahahaha

**KumaKamera: **leave me alone...

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilscmidt: <strong>wanna hear a canadian pick up line!?

**KumaKamera: **no

**G_Beilscmidt: **boy, are you a beaver? because dayuuuum

**KumaKamera: **ok even though that actually made me laugh out loud (causing everyone in starbucks to stare at me) im not gonna fall for u!

**G_Beilscmidt: **boy, are u a sharpie? cuz your ultra fine

**KumaKamera: **HAHAHA ok im done omg i cant even...

* * *

><p>Messaging Gilbert soon became a daily occurence. I found myself becoming excited to message him and talk to him. He told me lot's of things about himself. I learned about his brother, his home town and 'The Bad Touch Trio' (that was... interesting). Still, he didn't know anything about me. Until, one day, this happened:<p>

* * *

><p><strong>KumaKamera: <strong>My name is Matthew Williams. I'm 22 years old. I live in Whistler, British Columbia, Canada. I work in the Vancouver Art Gallery. I'm gay and single. My cell number is: ***-***-****

**G_Beilscmidt: **holy shit i fucking love you

* * *

><p><strong>iMessage:<strong> hey it's Gil

hi

**iMessage:** i knew you'd finally tell me stuff

consider yourself lucky

**iMessage:** guess what

i dunno. tell me

**iMessage:** I was gonna tell u this a while ago but i wanted to surprise you

ok

**iMessage:** guess who's coming to Vancouver, Canada...!

holy shit

**iMessage:** yup, and guess who's gonna pick me up from the air port...

i swear to god if don't have red eyes in real life ill leave u in the airport to die

**iMessage:** SO YOULL DO IT!?

whatever...

**iMessage:** yay birdie ur da best!

ya i know

* * *

><p>Matthew Williams was standing in the Vancouver airport. His heart was beating and his hands were sweating. He fixed his hair one more time. Wait... why was he doing this? Gilbert probably isn't really... Gilbert! For all Matthew knows, this could have been a prank. He might have wasted two hours driving from his home in Whistler to Vancouver. People started to file out of the airplane. Matthew tried to look for a man with white hair but he couldn't see over the tall man in front of him.<p>

"Birdie!"

Matthew turned around to see red eyes staring at him. Then suddenly, he was pulled into a long-awaited kiss.

"Do you believe in love at first sight, birdie?"

"Well, Gilbert, I guess we're gonna end up dead" Matthew said before Gilbert pulled him into a deeper kiss.

* * *

><p><strong>ok wtf did i just write!?<strong>

**remember, guys! things like this dont happen in real life. Matt was just lucky... reeeaaaallllyyyyy lucky**

**please review~**


	2. Alfred, no

**I apologize for any strange letters/numbers that may appear in this chapter. my computer decided to catch a virus whilst I was editing this and it fucked everything up. i think i got everything buy fuck idk**

* * *

><p>Gilbert and Matthew were awkwardly sitting in Matthew's baby blue punch-buggy on their way to whistler. No one had spoke a word since the airport. Suddenly Matthew slammed his foot on the break and pulled the car over and got out, slamming the door. Gilbert sat in shock for a minute before quickly getting out to see what was wrong.<p>

"Matt?" Gilbert approached the Canadian, "That was a little sudden... What's up?"

"I just realized the situation I'm in! This is really,really bad... Shit..."

"Care to tell me what's going on?" Gilbert chose his words carefully so that he wouldn't further upset the boy. "

I don't even know you! For all I know you could be a murderer running from the German police!" Matthew started banging his head on the car, "I'm so stupid! Dammit!"

"Woah, buddy! Don't go beating yourself up!" Gilbert gently grabbed Matt's head so he couldn't continue hitting it, "I assure you, I'm not a murderer."

"This is still bad. Like, reeeeaaalllyyyy bad! I mean, did you really come all the way here from Germany JUST to stalk me?" Matthew started to murmur in rapid French.

"It's not stalking." Matthew rolled his eyes, "Plus I actually booked the tickets here before we started messaging," Matthew perked up at this, "Ya, I have a friend who lives in Whistler... Do you know Francis? Francis Bonnefoy?"

Matthew looked up at Gilbert with a sparkle in his eye, "I know Francis! He owns a wine shop in the village!"

"Remember when I told you about the bad touch trio? He was in that. He and I went to the Same English school in Germany"

"I see... Well, ok, I'll take you to whistler and I guess you can stay with me but this is still really, really bad..." Matthew pauses, "Screw it, I have nothing to lose right? Like, YOLO!" Matthew put on a valley-girl accent for the last statement, earning a laugh from Gilbert. They climbed back into the vehicle and continued to whistler.

"So, Matt, you're Canadian right? Do you like, eat maple syrup for dinner and have pet moose?"

"Don't stereotype me, eh? Or I'll get my pet beavers and polar bears to beat you with my hockey sticks, hoser!" Gilbert stared at Matthew "It was a joke... Eh?"

"I know but, holy crap, I just realized how much I friggin love you!"

"Ugh, man. I really want to say that back to you but-"

"Then just say it!"

"But I barely know you and you barely know me-"

"You think about things too much! You're the one who said YOLO, am I right?"

"Well, yes but this can't turn out well. What kind of relationship is this? It's so creepy and-"

"Gilbert gently took Matthew's shaking hand off the steering wheel, "Hey, I know this is a little strange. I admit, I find this slightly creepy. It's almost like something out of a fairy tale... A screwed up fairy tail. Fuck man, this probably won't work out but, for now, let's just take it as it comes."

"Matthew turned away and muttered, "Christ, your such a sap..." Gilbert could see a blush spread across Canadians face.

"So, you said you worked at the Vancouver art gallery... Does that mean you have to take this drive everyday?" Gilbert asked, trying to make talk.

"Only on the weekends... I have another job during the week. I told you that I worked at the art gallery because it sounds better then my other job"

"Ha! So you were trying to impress me! That's cute, birdie!" Matthew hmphed, "What's your other job?"

"Something that is not as nice as the art gallery"

"It can't be too bad!" Matthew doesn't reply, "Shit, bro, do you sell drugs? Cause I could help! Back in high schoo-"

"NO, GIL! I work at Starbucks, god! Drug dealer, is that really what came to mind..." Matthew trailed off.

"Damn. I love Starbucks. I love seeing the guys in their sexy uniforms there. Total turn on!" Gilbert said and started to laugh.

"You have no filter, do you?" Matthew chuckled, "You can come visit me when I work there tomorrow. I'll make you sweet caramel frap with extra whip cream and chocolate sprinkles."

"Gilbert paused as a blush spread across his face, "Has anyone ever told you that you have a really sexy voice?"

"No, you would be the first" Matthew chuckled, "Hey! We're almost at my place."

"God, I'm actually really excited! Is it, like, a log cabin in the woods? Or-oh my god- is it and igloo?"

"What!? No! It's a three story town house... And an igloo? The fuck, Gilbert?"

"They pulled into a parking lot and got Gilbert's bags from the trunk. Matthew got his keys and they entered the house. It was sort of spacious (mostly because there was barley any furniture).

"Guest bedroom is on the second second floor, door to the right." Matthew said, pointing to the stair case.

"What? Birdie! I wanna sleep in the same bed as you, though!" Gilbert whined

"Gil, no... Maybe... Whatever!"Matthew walked to his fridge, "You're probably hungry. Want something to eat?"

"Your dick!"

"Ok, you're totally not sleeping with me tonight, creep!"

"Birdie! It was a joke! C'mon!"

* * *

><p>The problem started the next day when a huge truck pulled into Matthew's drive way.<p>

"Matt! Someone is outside your house! Do I let him in?" Gilbert yelled. A sleepy Matthew emerged from the top of the staircase.

"Hold on. Let me see who it is." Matthew rubbed his eyes and made his way down the stairs. He looked through the peep hole and his body immediately tensed, "Gilbert. We need to go upstairs and hide. Do not make a sound. Just... Follow me"

"Matt? It there something you need to tell me about? A hidden boyfriend? Cause if your taken that's cool! I just-"

"No, Gilbert. Not a boyfriend... A brother..."

* * *

><p><strong>iMessage:<strong> Matt. i saw u turn off the bedroom light

**iMessage:** Matt. Who are u hiding

**iMessage:** Matt. Open the fucking door

**iMessage:** Matt. I will break the door down with my wicked awesome hero kiss ass moves

Hi Alfred! Your here? I'm not home right now lol ^.^

i**Message:** Matt. I saw u close the flipping curtains

**iMessage: **WHO IS THE MAN MIDDLE FINGERING ME

Oh no I guess I'm being robbed!

**iMessage:** MATT I CAN SEE YOU TRYING TO PULL THE GUY FROM THE WINDOW!

Awe Alfred I think your going insane. When I get home I'll be sure to bring you to the hospital :(

**iMessage:** :( why won't u let me iiiiinnnn?

**iMessage:** it's the boy isn't it!? U don't want me to meet the boy!

What boy?

**iMessage**: I promise I won't be mean

Al, my last BF ended up hospitalized because of you! And what are u even doing here? Its a little random!

**iMessage:** Let me in! I even brought that hockey stick shit thing u wanted!

**iMessage:** *gasp* you're coming downstairs!

**iMessage:** YOURE OPENIN THE DOOR!  
>"Alfred, meet Gilbert. Now give me my hockey stick!"<p>

* * *

><p><strong>A cliffhanger shit fucking ermehgerd! God, this is why I shouldn't be allowed to write at 2am. strongstrongI should probably sleep... Love you guys **


	3. Franny and Artie

**Hello a lot of ppl wanted fruk so here is fruk. yeeee**

* * *

><p>"Yea... About your hockey stick, Matt. I didn't actually bring it but-"<br>SLAM!

* * *

><p><strong>iMessage:<strong> bro im sorry I lied plz let me in :(

**iMessage:** pleeeaaassseeee

**iMessage:** it's starting to snow

**iMessage:** OMG it's snowing

**iMessage:** save me Matt!

**iMessage:** im gonna die! U know I can't handle snow!

**iMessage:** who the fuck wants to live in a place where it snows omfg

Fun, adventurous people with good personalities

**iMessage:** Matt OMG let me inside right now bro

No

**iMessage:** plz plz plz plz plz

**iMessage:** MAAAATTTTTT

**iMessage:** bitch, imma cry

Can please stop spamming my phone. It's really annoying

**iMessage:** spam

**iMessage:** spam

**iMessage:** Matt

**iMessage:** hey

**iMessage:** buttholes

**iMessage:** vaginas

**iMessage:** unicorn sex

Okay now ur seriously not coming inside. Go back to your 'full of pride and proud of it' country and fuck an eagle

**iMessage:** dude... That was harsh

Alfred, u wanna know a secret?

**iMessage:** YES!

*whispers* the door was unlocked the whole time :)

"MATT, BRO, WHAT THE FUCK!"Alfred stormed into the living room. Sitting on the sofa were his brother and... Wait, who the fuck is that?

"It's not my fault, Al. If you weren't so thick headed you would have tried to open-"

"Matthew, brother dearest, introduce me to your little... _Friend_."

"Right, Alfred this is Gilbert. He's from Germany. If you dare make any racist remarks regarding that I'll have to chop off your precious cow-lick."

Alfred approaches Gilbert. He makes full on eye contact with the man then says, "I didn't give you permission to date vampires."

"Alfred, grab your bags. We're going to get you settled in the guest bedroom." Matthew said in a forced, noticeably fake, happy voice.

"Matt! I need to know more about this guy like, how did-"

"NOW!"

"Yes, ok let's go!"

Matt grabbed a few of Alfred's bags and dragged them upstairs with Alfred behind him. He stopped at the doorway to the bedroom, "You'll be sleeping here. Go unpack your things."

Alfred entered the room, "Sure but just a question, where's your-"

SLAM!

Click.

* * *

><p>"Vampire?" Gilbert asked Matthew as he came from down the stairs.<p>

"'Cuz of your eyes. They're red.. Like a vampire." Matthew rolled his eyes. His brother is an idiot.

"Well, he's annoying. A vampire, really?" Gilbert sounded pissed.

"I've always thought vampires are sexy" Matt stated and shrugged his shoulders. Gilbert laughed and hug-tackled the small Canadian.

When Matthew managed to escape the albino's strong grasp he asked, "you said you are friends with Francis, right? Let's go visit him." Before Gilbert could say anything, Matthew grabbed his hand and brought him to his car.

"Where does Franny live? It's probably some huge-ass mansion..." Gilbert said.

"Well, he owns a wine shop with his husband so we'll go there. It should be open." Matthew said as he started up the car.

"Okay. And, husband?"

"Yea, his name is Arthur."

"HOLY SHIT!" Gilbert yelled, causing Matt to jump, "Arthur Kirkland? Blonde? Eyebrows? Short? British?"

"Um, yes. Why...?" To say Matthew was confused is an understatement.

"Man, I'm gonna give him so much shit about this..." Matthew raised his eyebrow, "well, You see, Birdie, I went to a high school with both of them. They fucking hated each other!"

"That's hard to believe. You don't know how many times I've walked in on them fu-"

"Ew, no, don't finish that sentence." Gilbert pretended to gag, "Seriously, though. I'm so excited to see Franny and Artie's faces when I walk in!" Gilbert laughed... Cackled.

**iMessage:** Matthew Williams you locked me in the bedroom!

**iMessage**: you asshole what the fuck

**iMessage:** isn't this illegal?

**iMessage:** I'm pretty sure I could sue u

**iMessage:** im gonna call the popo

No u arent. U wouldnt do that to me

**iMessage:** yes I would!

**iMessage:** ...

**iMessage:** whatever...

Ha!

* * *

><p>"Francis? You here?"<p>

"Matthew, lad? Is that you?" A short, blonde man poked his out from behind a shelf of wine. What he saw before him caused him to drop the wine bottle he was carrying.

"Artie! It's been awhile!"

"Arthur, darling? Did something break?" A taller man with his hair tied back in a ponytail emerged from a back room. That he saw before him caused his face to light up, "Gilbert?"

"The one and only!" Gilbert proudly said.

"My goodness! It's been so long! How are you doing? Still living in your brothers basement? Why are you here with Mathieu? Ah, I have so many questions! Come, let's converse in the back room."

"Woah there, buddy. First, must know about," Gilbert gestured to Arthur, "this."

"I-it's none of your business, Beilscmidt. Now if you would kindly excuse me, I was just leaving." Arthur tried to shuffle by Gilbert but he was stopped when Gilbert grabbed his shirts collar.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Kirkland. You and Francis have been making babies, haven't you?" Gilbert smirked.

"Ah! What an inappropriate question!"

"What happened, Kirkland? You used be so fun and now you act like there's a stick up your ass."

"Let go of me, git!"

"Remember when you were so cool? We'd go out and get drunk together all the time!"

"Now is not the time to be bringing up the past!"

"Arthur really hasn't changed too much, Gilbert, dearest. Trust me, he still gets drunk a lot" Francis chimed in.

"Francis, honey. You aren't helping this situation!" Arthur yells.

Suddenly, an even bigger smirks crossed Gilbert's face, "Francis, _**honey**_."

"Shit..."

* * *

><p><strong>iMessage: <strong>Matt I have to pee

**iMessage: **Is there a way to unlock the door from the inside?

**iMessage: **Please reply

**iMessage: **I'm desperate here, man

**iMessage: **I shouldn't have drank so much coke...

**iMessage: **Matt pleeeaaasssseee

**iMessage: **I'll have to piss on the floor

Ew wtf are u a dog or something?

**iMessage: **Your so mean ~

Btw if u weren't such an idiot you would notice that there's a guest bathroom in the bedroom

**iMessage: **...

**iMessage: **Oh. My. God.

* * *

><p>Gilbert had been laughing non-stop for about twenty minutes. Arthur had been pouting for about twenty minutes. Francis had been looking creepy for about twenty minutes. And Matthew had been awkwardly standing there for about twenty minutes.<p>

"Oh, man I still can't believe it," Gilbert said while wiping tears from his eyes, "Kirkland and Franny! Who would've guessed?"

"Yes, will you please drop the subject, now." Arthur quietly muttered.

"Gilbert, we really need to catch up, oui? First, what are your affairs with petit Mathieu? Ahonhon~"

"Birdie and I met online and now we're dating!" Gilbert smiled. Matthew face palmed.

"Oh, Matthew I thought you smarter than this!" Arthur said.

"Yea, I did too." Matthew said.

"Mathieu, would you like to hear some stories about when Gilbert, Arthur and I were in high school?" Francis asked.

"Sure?" Matthew answered.

"Bad decision, boy. Bad decision." Arthur shook his head in disappointment

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for all the faves and follows. review plezzz. I love fruk. goodnight<strong>


	4. IT'S NOT A PHASE

**Hello and yes i realize its been over 3 months since ive updated... Heh...**  
><strong>I really have no excuse as to why i didnt lol kind of forgot i guess. I re-read it a couple days ago and decided to continue because i have nothing better to do *shrug*<strong>  
><strong>As u know it was originally supposed to be a one-shot and i probs shoulda kept it that way<strong>

**To the people who have just started reading this: ignore the message below**

**To the people who have followed already: im not doing the 'request' thing anymore cuz fuck that i have my own ideas for this story *does the sassy snap thing***

* * *

><p>"Birdie, dearest, if Alfred is sleeping in the guest room, does that mean I get to sleep in your room?"<p>

"You get the couch"

* * *

><p>Gilbert woke up before Matthew and Alfred because the couch was FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE! (And because of jetlag but jetlag can suck his dick.) He stood up and stretched to at least TRY to get the knots out of his now-aching back. Matt would pay for this. Pretty soon his ass will be so sore because of how hard Gilbert will-<p>

Gilbert was snapped out of his thoughts as he remembered yesterdays events...

Oh, how Antonio will enjoy hearing about Franny and Artie.

To be honest, Gilbert hadn't been in touch with Toni or Franny ever since they graduated. Why? Because why the fuck not! Gilbert was an independant Prussian man who don't need no French or Spanish man. And reasons are for losers anyway.

Gilbert pulled out his iPad Mini (since regular iPads are too mainstream- FUCK MAINSTREAM). He tapped the Skype app. He hadn't used Skype for so long (not because he didn't have friends- pssshhh. Who needs friends when you have porn; am I right?) He tapped on Toni's name then call. It only rang a couple times before.

_'GILBERT HOLY GUACAMOLE IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!'_ a shirtless Antonio yelled through the screen.

_'Who the fuck are you talking too?'_ A bed-headed (and shirtless, oh my) Lovino popped into view '_OH FUCK NO HANG UP NOW OR I'LL CHOP YOUR HAIRY BALLS OFF!'_

_'Now's really not a good time- er- just use the typey thing inste-'_

Lovino must have clicked 'End Call.' So, first Franny and Artie and now Toni and Lovi? Gilbert shouldn't be surprised; he totally saw it coming.

**TomotoesFTW:** sry bout that. Lovi's a bit feisty in the morning

**TomatoesFTW:** actually, all the time

**G_Beilschmidt:** haha no shit. Sry for not talking to u for.. Too long. BUT WE HAV MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS TO DICUSS

**TomatoesFTW:** MUST BE IMPORTANT IF IT'S IN ALL CAPS

**G_Beilschmidt:** OHHHH YES. HAVE U TALKED TO FRANNY LATELY

**TomatoesFTW:** NO NOT RLY

**G_Beilschmidt:** THEN U DON'T KNOW BOUT HIM ND ARTIE YET

**TomatoesFTW:** this better mean what I think it means

**G_Beilschmidt:** oh, it does

**TomatoesFTW:** :D

**G_Beilschmidt:** ;)

* * *

><p>Suddenly Gilbert heard noises come from upstairs, "Gil? You awake?"<p>

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilschmidt:<strong> gtg the bae has woken

* * *

><p>Gilbert logged out. A sleepy Matthew stumbled down the stairs. Gilbert got up to greet him and Matthew collapsed into his arms (sounds romantic but it wasn't really, Gilbert could barely hold him up. The kid was fucking heavy. Don't judge.)<p>

"'m goin' teh work in an hour. Can I trus' you teh stay home an' babysi' Al?" Matthew said into Gilbert's armpit.

"But I wanna go to work with you! You promised me that sexy frap thing!" Gilbert whined, shoving Matt off of him.

Matthew caressed Gilbert's cheek "I'm kicking Al out soon. You're here for what? Two weeks? That's plenty of time for me to make you a sexy frap thing" Matthew then kissed Gilbert's lips (sloppily) before slapping his ass and walking into the kitchen.

"You're much more sentimental in the morning, ya know that?' Gilbert called from the living room.

"Just wait 'till I have my pancakes, I'll be back to normal then."

"Then I may have to take away your pancake mix," Gilbert smirked.

Matthew shot him a death glare and he shut up.

* * *

><p>Alfred Fuk-off jones<br>**iMessage:** Matt ur bf is no fun

**iMessage:** he's ignoring me

he has a good reason to

**iMessage:** ...

**iMessage:** hey That was mean

* * *

><p>Gil<br>**iMessage:** ur bro is so annoying

**iMessage:** plz hurry up and come home

Sorry but I have work to do 3

**iMessage:** oooooo u sent a heart that's a first 3

fuck you

**iMessage:** okay ;)

die

**iMessage:** if that'll make u happy then okay

ugggghhhhhghghg

* * *

><p>Alfred Fuk-off jones<br>**iMessage:** what time do u cum home?

Killyourself o'clock

i**Message:** U KNOW U SHOULDN'T MAKE JOKES LIKE THAT WHAT IF I TOOK THAT SERIOUSLY LIKE U DON'T KNOW ME U DON'T KNOW MY LIFE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH #thestruggleisreal

For fucks sake Alfred

* * *

><p>Gil<br>**iMessage:** matt. Why is Alfred crying and telling me about how 'the struggle is real' and how 'like, he doesn't even know me like'

uggghhhhhhgghgggghgghg

**iMessage:** ... :/

* * *

><p>"Hey, Al, buddy. Wanna go to town? We could, um, get smoothies?" Gilbert wasn't very good at comforting people. Especially a full-grown man acting like a twelve year old.<p>

"I TOLD HER IT WASN'T A PHASE AND SHE PUCHED ME. SHE FUCKING PUNCHED ME. I WAS IN THE BATHROOM CRYING AND MY GUYLINER WAS EVERYWHERE. IT STAINED MY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE SHIRT LIKE FUCK. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!"

"Alfred please calm down. I understand you. Do you know how many shirts I've stained with guyiner?" Gilbert paused, "well, none but I feel you bro. Now how about we go out together, okay? Do something fun."

"Nah bruh, das gay..."

Gilbert snapped, "WE'RE GOING OUT NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!" He then proceeded to lift Alfred up by only his shirt collar and drag him outside.

* * *

><p>Alfred Fuk-off Jones<br>**iMessage:** your bf dragged me outside without shoes on

Good

* * *

><p>"Matt told me how you guys started dating..." Alfred broke the awkward silence, "it's a bit weird. Like, he doesn't even know you..." Apparently Alfreds 'struggle' was over.<p>

"Yea, well. Screw knowing," Gilbert said. He and Alfred were going for smoothies because health. Alfred said that they should go to McDonalds but Gilbert slapped him.

They entered the smoothie shop. Standing by the counter was the most beautiful girl Alfred had ever seen. She had short blond hair and piercing green eyes. She was wearing white pants and a pink apron. Alfred was so turned on.

He approached the blond goddess, getting ready to order his chocolate-strawberry smoothie with extra chocolate and no strawberries.

"Hello my name us Feliks, how may I help you?" said the... Girl?

* * *

><p><strong>Pffft. Making America and Poland a crack pairing because idgaf anymore. Please don't hate me? Im sorry if I offended anyone with my crude sense of humor. I was legit laughing while I wrote this. So what's the ship name for america and Poland? AmeriPol? Polica? Hahaha WTF have I done. Fuck the police. GONNA DEDICATE THIS TO KIRKLAND21 BC BAE<strong>


	5. SLAY GAGA SLAY

**i love how this story went from having some potential to no potential at all. **

**btw i wont be writing any smut because if i tried this is what would happen:**

_Gilbert whipped out his peepee-stick, getting ready to shove it into Matt's yum-hole. Matthew laughed cuz it was the size of his pinkie_

**im sorry**

**enjoy**

* * *

><p>Alfred stared into Felik's green eyes, he was entranced by the beauty of them, "U-um... I'll have a-a Uh, I'll have er- you're really hot."<p>

"I could say the same thing about you, big boy," Feliks said in a flirtatious voice. Alfred blushed and shoved his glasses higher up his nose, as if trying to look sophisticated. No one can look sophisticated whilst wearing a tank top with a picture of an eagle and an American with the words "born free' written across it.

"Ahem, thank you. I'll have a chocolate-strawberry smoothie with extra chocolate and no strawberries. Please."

"OH MY GOD! That;s what i always get! But I add protein powder because I'm, like, on a strict diet" Feliks said while Alfred paid.

"Wow! We have so much in common! When's your shift over? I'll take you out for dinner," Alfred said. At this point Gilbert decided to leave

* * *

><p>Matt<p>

ur bro got a boyfriend

**iMessage:** stfu ur lying

i assure you, im not lying. im quite postive hes a guy but some cud argue...

**iMessage:** his name feliks?

ya

**iMessage**: oh my god this is gonna be great

u kno him?

**iMessage: **kind of. he used to work at starbucks with me. he got fired cuz he was stealing the gift cards and selling them for extra cash

lmao sounds like sumthin i would do. i like this guy

* * *

><p>Gilbert arrived back at Matthew's townhouse. He thought that now would be a good time to Skype Antonio.<p>

_Riiiiiiing_

_Riiiiiing_

_Riiiiiing_

_'Hi Gil! I was waiting fot you to call again we have so much to talk-"  
><em>

_'Hang up, bastard. No one wants to see his shit-face right now!'_

_Call ended._

* * *

><p><strong>TomatoesFTW: <strong>sorry Lovi doesnt rly want me to talk to u

**G_Beilschmidt: **k thats cool. so ya artie and franny. wanna hear the deets? they told me a couple days ago

**TomatoesFTW: **yes please tell

**G_Beilschmidt: **after high-school they both decided to cum to canada bc its nice there. they both rented suites at this expensive-ass hotel cuz theyre rich fucks but the hotel ppl are stupid and they screwed up and franny and artie were both in the same room then they hooked up the end

**TomatoesFTW: **thats it...

**G_Beilschmidt: **well no but im tired of typing and who cares im just pissed that we werent invited to the wedding

**TomatoesFTW: **yea what the fuck is with that. i bet arthur threatened him

**G_Beilschmidt: **'ILL NEVER HAVE SEX WITH U AGAIN IF U INVITE THOSE STUPID GITS' 'OKAY FINE JUST COME HERE AND SUCK MY D'

**TomatoesFTW: **lol

**G_Beilschmidt: **so do u wanna hear about mah playtoy

**TomatoesFTW: **oh god its not another body-pillow of one of those guys from that gay swimming anime, is it?

**G_Beilschmidt: **no stfu this guy is real and cute and Canadian

**TomatoesFTW: **damn. i dont believe u

**G_Beilschmidt: **his name is matthew. i met him over instagram

**TomatoesFTW: **now i really dont believe u

**G_Beilschmidt: **KumaKamera. go stalk him

**TomatoesFTW: **hes cute. btw follow me on ig asstonio. Follow4follow, like4like, row4row, shoutout4shoutout

**G_Beilschmidt: **oh god ur not one of those ppl r u? pathetic. i gtg, bro. btw talk to franny

**TomatoesFTW: **please im almost at 1k!

**G_Beilschmidt: **byeeeeee

* * *

><p><strong> asstonio started following you<strong>

**you blocked asstonio**

* * *

><p>Alfred Fuk-off Jones<p>

**iMessage: **yo, matt, im bringing a bitch home tonite. dat cool with u?

Feliks isnt a bitch Al

**iMessage: **shut up he's my bitch. no homo tho

**iMessage: **omg wait

**iMessage: **how do u know about feliks

**iMessage: **shit this is creepy

**iMessage: **maaaaatttttttt

magic ;)

**iMessage: **:O

jk Gilbert told me. god ur so dumb. i feel bad for feliks

**iMessage: **:( ur so mean urrgggghhhh

* * *

><p>"Gil, I'm home. I brought you a vanilla bean frap for you!" The vanilla bean frap was knocked out of his hand and all over the floor when Gilbert hug-tackled him, "You're gonna have to clean that up."<p>

"Shit, sorry. I'll pay you back for that. How much was it?" Gilbert asked while grabbing a cloth to wipe the floor with.

"So Al and Feliks, huh? That's hilarious. I didn't even know Feliks broke up with his last boyfriend..." Matthew trailed off.

"Last boyfriend?" Gilbert asked.

"Yea his name is Toris. He's a total pimp. If you ever need drugs or bitches just go talk to him."

"Damn. Guess I'll have to go talk to him then," Gilbert said and flashed Matthew a smirk.

"Shut up. You're my bitch and I can't have my bitch going to get bitches. That's bitch inception. Bitch-ception."

Gilbert laughed, "If anything you're my bitch."

"I'm your bitch, huh? I don't thinks so. Whose the one scrubbing the floor? Now follow your master's orders and keep cleaning!" Matthew then kicked Gilbert's butt and strutted away. Gilbert thought it was sexy.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Gilbert noticed he had an Instagram DM from someone with the name PeterVaginaPounder...<p>

**PeterVaginaPounder: **rembr me?

**G_Beilschmidt: **no sorry

**PeterVaginaPounder:**im peter. arthurs bro?

**G_Beilschmidt: **oh ya. how old are like, 5? get off the internet your too young

**PeterVaginaPounder:**im not tht yung. im 12

**G_Beilschmidt: **too young. get off

**PeterVaginaPounder:**no! i need ur help

**G_Beilschmidt: **rly now? and if i help what do i get in return?

**PeterVaginaPounder:**ill get u bitches

**G_Beilschmidt: **no thanks, im not into 12 year olds

**PeterVaginaPounder:**there not 12! there 14!

**G_Beilschmidt: **dude. im 24

**PeterVaginaPounder: **tht only 10 yrs apart

**G_Beilschmidt: **exactly.

**PeterVaginaPounder:**1 time i dated a 20 yr old

**G_Beilschmidt: **ya sure

** **PeterVaginaPounder: ****its tru, faggot!

**G_Beilschmidt: **yea ok

**PeterVaginaPounder:**go fuk urself

**G_Beilschmidt: **u should really excuse yourself from the internet. please, you'll be doing everyone a favour

**PeterVaginaPounder: **stfu i have 37 followers. follow for follow?

**G_Beilschmidt: **no

**G_Beilschmidt: **...

**PeterVaginaPounder: **are u gonna help me or not

**G_Beilschmidt: **I'll think about it but plz ge change ur account name its awful

**PeterVaginaPounder: **ok fine

**ArthurLovesAnal: **hows this?

**G_Beilschmidt: **perfect omg. ok ill help u

**ArthurLovesAnal: **i need to get a girl

**G_Beilschmidt: **ya i cant help. bye

**ArthurLovesAnal: **wait what!?

* * *

><p>That night Gilbert and Matthew fell asleep on the couch. Upstairs Alfred and Feliks were yelling "YAS GAGA SLAY FOR ME YAS SLAY SLAY!"<p>

The neighbors complained to Matthew the next day and he kicked out Alfred. Alfred is now staying with Feliks

* * *

><p><strong>WORST WAY TO END A CHAPTER IK IK ERRR IM SO OUT OF IDEAS FCK AND THIS CHAPTER IS SO SHORT KILL ME URG SHIT<strong>

**anywho, for anyone who understood the free! Iwatobi swim club reference: u r amazing**

**but seriously thanks for all the faves and follows i have so much fun wring this**


	6. Lukas put down the chainsaw

**Weeb woob it's been 3 months weeb woob**

**Ahem yes hello whalecum back to my fanfiction it's been a pleasure yes yes heylo**

**Ugh I'm sorry guys 3 months is too long ^-^'**

**And yes, Lithuania is drug dealing pimp in this fanfic (forgot to make that clear last chapter weeeee)**

**Time to add Denmark, Norway and Iceland. I seriously dk why I didn't add them earlier cuz they're my fav characters tbh. I'm just gonna apologize for Iceland in advance because... Ya you'll see. He's really OOC but everyone in this is bc crack**

**ONE MORE THING PLZ READ I LAV YOU: this chapter is really scattered. It's becoming like, a sketch comedy show IDFK LEAVE ME ALONE **

_**BTW LOTS OFFENSIVE HUMOR AND MAYBE TRIGGER WARNING? IDK JUST BEWARE IF U ARE SENSITIVE DON'T READ OH GOD I DON'T WANNA BE REPORTED**_

* * *

><p>When Alfred was young he had a crush on Puss in Boots. He used to be teased about it. People would say, 'Alfred you pile of shark innards you can't date a fucking cat let alone a cartoon character, Jesus fucking Christ!'<p>

And then Alfred would cry.

As he got older he developed a strong love for Gerard Way. He tried to die his hair like his and wear guyliner. Basically he was a typical angsty 13 year old girl Emo wannabe. He got punched everyday. But that was okay because emos are supposed to like pain and the bruises made it look like he had natural eyeliner. Gerard would be proud.

So basically he's an Emo furry.

So when Feliks said he would dress up as Puss in Boots with 37 pounds of guyliner on his face Alfred cried tears of happiness.

They had a very 'eventful' night.

* * *

><p><strong>TomatoesFTW:<strong> should I come to Canada

**G_Beilschmidt:** y

**TomatoesFTW:** because everyone fun is there :( do u remember Mathias? Our drinking buddy?

**G_Beilschmidt**: Ya

**TomatoesFTW:** he lives there too. With Lukas HIS HUSBAND!

**G_Beilschmidt:** jfc we're all gay and from different countries wtf and somehow we're all in canada wow much coincidence such how

**TomatoesFTW:** sounds like a great plot for a porno

**G_Beilschmidt:** I'd get myself off to that porn everyday

**TomatoesFTW:**#same

**TomatoesFTW:** go talk to Mathias. His IG username is Norgay

**G_Beilschmidt:** k

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilschmidt:<strong> so u and the sociopath Norwegian kid, eh? *wink wonk*

**Norgay:** Gil? Holy shit.

**G_Beilschmidt:** cum to 3769 Willy street

* * *

><p>So... Ya Gilbert sent Matthew's address to as alcoholic Danish man. Nothing can go wrong right?<p>

"GILBERT THERE ARE THREE PEOPLE AT THE DOOR THAT I DON'T KNOW!"

Ok, this'll probably be how Gilbert gets kicked out but THATS OK. He's been kicked out of things multiple times. This vacation wouldn't be worth it if he didn't get kicked out of SOMETHING at least ONCE.

"Oh, they're just some friends from high school. It'll be fiiiine just let them in!"

Matthew hesitated.

He stopped hesitating when the door crashed down and standing before them was Lukas holding a chainsaw. Good old Lukas.

A white haired boy who, if Gilbert remembers correctly, is named Emil struts in wearing heeled white boots and booty shorts. He clicks his tongue.

"Hey big boy, how about we take it up to the bedroom and get it on," Ah, yes, it's definitely Emil. Another great boy to add to the long list of gay men from foreign countries.

"Um, no how about you DON'T go into the bedroom and get it on. How about you GET OUT of my house and pay for the door you broke," Matthew looked like he was aboot to cry. His door is his baby.

"Emil, little brother. My sweet SWEET SWEET BROTHER," Lukas took a moment to calm down, "what did I tell you about flirting with men that are too old for you? Unless it's that Lithuanian man. Then I approve. I definitely approve."

"Ya, I don't know who told you that you could tell me how to live my life. Gilbert is just dying to have me in his pants. He has been ever since I ate that piece of Lego in front of him. He wants me." Iceland winked at Gilbert. Matthew's eye twitched.

"Emil, I'm the only one you can eat Lego in front of. How dare you do it to Gilbert behind my back." Lukas turned on his chain saw.

"Lukas, not here. I don't want this young man's house to be the scene of a crime. Remember last time?" Mathias said while entering the house, "Good to see you again Gilbert. Any reason you wanted to see us? Do you need us to CATCH A FISH or BULID A LEGO CASTLE"

Matthew had a feeling that 'catch a fish' and 'build a Lego castle' don't actually mean what they are supposed to.

"Um... Not right now but thanks for the offer? No I just wanted to see you"

While they were talking Lukas and Emil had entered the kitchen. Lukas was staring at the knives and Emil was licking a banana seductively while rubbing mayonnaise on his crotch.

Matthew proceeded to kick them out.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Alfred and Feliks were in a gang fight with Toris and his comrades Ivan and 'Edswag' (name is actually Eduard but Edswag is thug).<p>

Toris had walked in on Feliks and Alfred playing pussy cats on each other's unmentionables and got mad cuz his 'bish be gettin' it on wit' sum' udder bitch ass white boi'.

Alfred was good at shooting them because he's from the land of the free. Feliks is good at biting.

But Feliks and Alfred aren't just fighting to survive... They're fighting for their... Love.

* * *

><p>When Matthew had finally stopped crying over his broken door (that door was important ok, his beaver friends helped chop down the wood for it. One of them even got squished. His name was cunt) he and Gilbert had some Tim Hortons coffee.<p>

"Your friends are insane. Like, actually insane. Have you ever tried taking them to, I don't know, A MENTAL INSTITUTION!?" Matthew asked.

"I thought Lukas was in one but I guess he broke out... I don't know..."

"And why did they all come to CANADA?!"

"Maybe they wanted to meet a beaver then get bitten by it but that would be okay because you have free health care."

Matthew sighed.

* * *

><p>Halfway across the world, Ludwig Beilschmidt was getting his dick sucked by his Italian 'friend' when he suddenly realized he hadn't seen his older brother in a week.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Um. Ya<strong>

**I actually wanna make a side series about Denmark, Norway and Iceland because that was way too much fun to write**

**I'm REALLY sorry if I offended anyone ik it got a bit... Risky... This chapter...**

**I need sleep**

**p.s if u know who Gerard Way is then we should get married**


	7. A Gang War?

**/slithers out of your belly button/ **

**Hey guys 'm back. Time for little brother Germany and more things to offend ppl**

**Btw Lauren isn't a hetalia character. Just a random person**

* * *

><p><strong>PeterLovesPrussians:<strong> I'm sorry I was mean to you earlier Mr. Beilschmidt! Can you pretty please help me with my girl problems?

**G_Beilschmidt:** fine! But only cuz ur username is awesome. First off: what's her name?

**PeterLovesPrussians:** Lauren

**G_Beilschmidt:** does she have and Instagram account I can stalk?

**PeterLovesPrussians:** ya it's LaurenTheRock

**G_Beilschmidt: **All she posts is gay anime porn... Yaoi? I think

**PeterLovesPrussians: **So?

**G_Beilschmidt: **Her bio is: I'm secretly a gay man stuck in a girls body

**PeterLovesPrussians: **So...

**G_Beilschmidt: **Ok u like what u like I guess

**PeterLovesPrussians: **I know! I'll dress up as one of characters!

**G_Beilschmidt: **Ok. Who?

**PeterLovesPrussians: **The midget from that Titan show

**G_Beilschmidt: **Lol k. U should make out with another guy so she'll like it

**PeterLovesPrussians: **Ok! I'll get friend Ravias to help! He can dress up as the angry kid from the same show!

**G_Beilschmidt: **Perfect. Send me some pics k?

**PeterLovesPrussians: **Ok!

* * *

><p>So, yes. Gilbert basically made gay child porn. That's okay. No it's not. Let's just find a casual way to drop the topic...<p>

For some reason he felt like he was forgetting. Something important. Something involving a buff blond man important to him...

* * *

><p><strong>Ludwig Beilscmidt<strong>

Oi, bro. I forgot to tell u I'm in canada with my bf

**iMessage:** Seriously? When did you leave

Idfk like, Saturday? I'll be back next week. Hope ur not missin me too much

**iMessage: **That's why it's so much more quiet around here...

Bet it's not so quiet at night when ur fucking Feli up his poop hole

**iMessage: **Things like this make me glad that you left

I can feel u blushing through the phone screen

**iMessage: **Please stop

How about no

Bro...

U there?

U fucking blocked me didn't u?

**iMessage: **A Canadian boyfriend? When did you even meet...

Ya! He's really cute and all like 'HOW ABOOT WE GO DOWN TO THE ARCTIC AND CATCH SOME FISH EH'

**_The number you are trying to contact has blocked you. Please contact 102820489269696969 if this is of concern._**

* * *

><p>Matthew was so done with all these random people showing up at his door. First those three Scandinavian guys and now some Spanish guy is yelling at him to open the door cause he brought churro's and Lovi. What the fuck is a Lovi? Gilbert better have an explanation to who this foreigner is.<p>

"Gil, who's the Spanish man outside my house? By now I think I have the right to assume he's some homosexual friend of yours."

"Antonio? But it was only yesterday that he asked me if he should come to Cana-"

"Hello amigos!"

Matthew snapped his head around. How the fuck...

"How the fuck did you get in my house?" Matthew asked the Spanish and other-guy-who's-race-has-not-yet-been-confirmed-but-looks-Italian-based-on-stereotypes.

"Franny and Artie told us where you live. Our Danish friend gave us your house key. Apparently he took it from you when he entered the house!"

Great so those guys are murders and thieves.

"Hold up," Gilbert interludes, "You asked me yesterday about coming to Canada. How could you have possibly gotten here within, like, 10 hours."

"I was already on my way here when I asked you! Are you surprised? Are you happy? I'm happy!"

Matthew stepped forward, "Ya, good for you. Can you do me a favor and leave my property? And take your friend who looks like he's about to shoot himself with you."

"Alright! But we'll be back tomorrow! It was nice to meet you Gilbert's Canadian boyfriend!"

They left

* * *

><p>So Gilbert was starting to get annoyed with his friends. For some reason, they were making Matthew mad. Matthew was stubborn. It's probably because he's part French. Gilbert has had a lot of experience with French people. He know that if he doesn't get Matthew happy soon, he'll never get to do him up the butt.<p>

Or let alone have a good relationship with the kid. This situation isn't really something that happens normally. It's probably stressing Matt out. Gilbert knew what he had to do... Plan a fucking date with Matthew at some fluffy cafe cause this goddamn story doesn't have enough prucan in it (breaking the fourth wall like the fucking colossal titan).

* * *

><p>It was when Alfred and Feliks jumped on a running train on their way to Mexico (illegally) that it finally dawned on Alfred that he was in the middle of a gang war. Toris, Ivan and Edswag were after him. All because he was dating Feliks. Feliks is hardcore. That's such a turn on.<p>

For some reason Alfred's first idea wasn't to call the police but to text his brother. He lacks a bit of common sense. He whipped out his phone. Luckily it had 69% battery. Alfred laughs because he's immature. 69 is a silly number.

* * *

><p><strong>Matt<strong>

Hey Matt. I may or may not be on a train to Mexico

**iMessage: **Alfred jfc

Ya these gang guys are out to kill me and Feliks

**iMessage: **Is it Toris and his swag gang

Ya

**iMessage: **Ok stay on the train or else u won't get out alive

:O

**iMessage: **I think I may know some people who could help. Just... Stay put. Feliks will protect u. He's pretty badass when he needs to be

K

* * *

><p>Matthew didn't know much about the blond Scandinavian guys but he's almost certain they're assassins and if he were to pay them they would kill Toris and his swag gang.<p>

Wait.

Wait a fucking minute.

Was Matthew seriously considering hiring assassins?

Ok, yes he was.

He should probably just go to the police.

But maybe it was Gilbert's influence, or maybe just all the strange things that were happening but he kind of wanted to bece part of this gang war.

He could always just flee to another country if something went wrong. He had lots of connections to foreign places now. Like what the actual fuck when did Whistler, Canada become so international?

"Gil those guys who were here yesterday, they were assassins right?"

Gilbert spat out his Tim Hortons coffee, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

"They're a little too obvious. Do you think I could hire them for something?"

"Matt, you're joking right? You can't actually be serious right now."

"I am though. Is there a way to contact them?"

"Um. Ya. Call 1800-HELLA-FRIDGE and say 'do you wanna build a Lego house?' And proceed from there"

"Aight, I'll call them in a couple days. I just need some time decide if this is the right decision or not."

"It probably isn't but, hey, I don't really care. It'll probably be fun" Gilbert said.

Gilbert was slightly confused as to why Matthew needed assassins. He probably should've been concerned but, if you couldn't tell, he has some pretty ratchet friends. He was used to this illegal business. He had come to Canada for fun and to meet his internet boyfriend and he achieved both of those.

And another knock on the door. Matthew almost screamed in anger. He walked over to it and swung it open and-

Oh shit.

Oh fucking hell.

There was only one Cuban man who had dreadlocks as legit as the ones standing before Matthew.

It was his ex boyfriend, Carlos.

* * *

><p><strong>AYYYYY GUESS WHATS FINALLY GETTING A PLOT? THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT STORY OH MY GOD<strong>

**Ya so we've got a gang war, assassins, ex boyfriends, Spanish tourists, gay child cosplay porn and a confused internet couple**

**WHOS EXCITED?**

**IM NOT CUZ ITS GONNA BE A PAIN IN THE ASS TO WRITE**

**BTW IM GONNA BE MAKING AN ACTUAL LaurenTheRock INSTAGRAM PAGE FOR THIS FIC. ILL KEEP U GUYS UPDATED ABOOT THAT**


	8. RAVIAS STOP CRYING

*ahem*** hello welcome back fellow socially-deprived twats. Jk yall probably have more of a social life than I do . I have like three friends. Shout out to Davie, Gunner and Cow. Aight listen up: this chapter will be more enjoyable for you if you have listened to the song lose yourself by Eminem. If you haven't then I suggest you do before reading this. Don't ask why. Also I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes cuz im typing this on my tablet cuz my COMPUTER CAN SMD**

**Enjoy bb~**

* * *

><p>"Matt! I came back just like I promised I would!"<p>

* * *

><p>Gilbert awoke to the sound of someone knocking on a door. That better not be one of his friends. Today is the day he is supposed to ask Matt out on that fluffy date he promised the readers. If that is one of his friends there's no way Matt is going to agree. He had the whole date planned: he will take Matt to a French restaurant and charm him with all the French he knows (je suis un sexy garçon ;D) then they'll go up a mountain or some shit and do stereotypical cute couple stuff and then they'll go home and bang. Fuck yes.<p>

Gilbert starts going downstairs, a little nervous to see who would be standing at the door. It's...

Not one of his friends thank the Lord. It is a man with dreadlocks. Gilbert likes dreadlocks. He's always wanted to feel dreadlocks. Maybe he should get dreadlocks. Nah.

Gilbert is an idiot and doesn't hear what Matt and Bob Marley wannabe are talking about but since it's necessary to the story you can hear.

"Uh, Carlos, I never really thought I'd see you again... Ever." Matt says.

"I promised I'd come back didn't I? Now we can get married like we always wanted!"

Matthew twitches, "Listen, when you were getting ready to jump the border and I promised we would get married if you ever returned I wasn't really thinking. We were young and reckless. I thought it was true love but it isn't..."

Carlos's face suddenly became very dark and scary like in anime when the innocent character turns out to be not-so-innocent and you're just like wtf, "_**I**_ thought it was true love," Carlos says. Oh fuck yandere alert RUN.

Meanwhile Gilbert is thinking to himself.

_Hmmmm I guess I'll just ask Matt out on the date right now. That guy won't care plus the more the merrier?_

_NO GILBERT YOU IDIOT_ is what you're thinking.

"Matt," Gilbert calls from the top of the staircase. Carlos and Matthew both look up. Matthew visibly starts stressing, "Will you go on a date with me today?"

Matthew face palms. Carlos... Carlos calmly exits? Oh.

Calmly is what you think but once he's outside he gets ready to call 1800-HELLA-FRIDGE.

* * *

><p>Aight let's move on to somethin' more exciting. Toris is mad asf. So mad that he can only speak in Eminem rap lyrics. Which is a problem 'cuz the only Eminem song he knows is Lose Yourself.<p>

"I'm like a snail I've got to formulate a plot or I end up in jail or shot," he raps.

"He's basically saying we need to figure out what to do before we get put in jail or shot by that American bitch-stealer," says Edswag. Ravias cry. Ravias always cry. Ravias never not cry. Ravias cry because he doesn't have a swag name like Edswag, Ivan Bruh or Toris. Ravias is now Ravia$ so that he'll stop crying. Ravia$ now cry tears of happiness because narrator-senpai finally noticed him. Oh for fucks sake.

"How about we hire Matthias and his assassin gang to get them for us?" Asks Ivan Bruh. Edswag gets an automatic boner 'cuz he has always wanted to be part of that assassin group. Ravia$ is still crying.

"Wait who is Ravia$?" asks Edswag.

"Me" said Ravia$.

"Oh"

"About my idea..." Said Ivan Bruh. Ivan Bruh should've been the leader of this gang cuz' he's smarter and bigger than Toris. Plus he listens to real rap like Nicki Minaj and God aka Kanye West. He also listens to Blood on the Dance Floor but he doesn't like to talk about that. Anyway, Toris got the gang because Feliks got blackmail against Ivan Bruh. That's why Toris wants Felix back, 'cuz he don't want no Russian to take over. When Ivan Bruh saw the blackmail he fell into so much despair he became Super High School Level Despair know as** (DANGAN RONPA SPOILUHRS)** Junko Enoshima. Then he got bored of watching high schoolers kill each other and his boobs made his back hurt so he became Ivan Bruh and joined the gang again.

"You only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a life time yo," raps Toris.

"He basically means we should do it ourselves because we can't afford to mess up," says Edswag.

"We have a larger chance of messing up if we do it," murmurs Ivan Bruh. Ravia$ still cry. Narrator is annoyed with the crying so she turns him back to Ravias. Ravias cry. OH MY GOD JUST STOP.

"I think we should just go after them," says Edswag. I though you were smart Edswag. Smh

"And hope we don't lose it," says Toris.

"What he means is-"

"It's obvious what he means. It's self explanatory" says Ivan Bruh. So they get ready to leave. There palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on there sweaters already, moms spaghetti. They're nervous but on the surface they look calm and ready to-

"Shut up narrator-senpai," says Ravias.

"Who's Narrator-senpai," asks everyone else.

RAVIAS I'M DONE WITH YOUR SHIT. And then I kill Ravias cuz he's annoying as fuck. Suck my dick Ravias. Ravias cry. No wait he can't cuz he's DEAD.

Now that the gang is short one member they decided to call 1800-HELLA-FRIDGE.

"I'm sorry we're already booked. We got a call this morning." is the response they get.

_I wonder who is gonna be assassinated_ is what everyone in the gang is thinking.

_Oh shit Gilbert, Matthew RUN_ is what you're thinking ;)

* * *

><p>Meanwhile Alfred's palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, moms spaghetti because he drank some bad water in Mexico and now he's sick asf and not sick in the cool way sick in the ewwww 'stop puking or I'm gonna puke too' kinda way.<p>

Other than that things are going pretty rad for him and Feliks. The managed to escape the swag gang which is yay. But they are unaware that they're still hunting them down and that Gil and Matt are soooooo screwed. More screwed than the time Alfred's mom walked in on him masturbating to Gerard Way's face on his computer. She said she was unimpressed he was jacking off to him rather than Andy Biersack like wtf.

* * *

><p>Back in Canada Matt's palms are spaghetti, knees weak, arms spaghetti there's spaghetti on his spaghetti already, moms spaghetti. He's nervous but on the surface he looks calm and spaghetti to drop spaghetti but he keeps on spaghetting what he-<p>

"Narrator please," Matt interrupts me.

Fuck off Matt or I'll kill you off like Ravias but I won't because then people will cry like Ravias ugh.

"I dare you to take a chance and do it" Matt says to me.

I took a chance on your mom last weekend and she enjoyed it.

"Oh shit," says Gilbert. Thanks Gilbert ;)

";)" Gilbert says.

"What"

What.

Okay I'll stop breaking the fourth wall I'm sorry.

"I think we gotta postpone the date for a bit, sorry Gil," Matt says.

"Sorry readers," says Gilbert.

"What"

"So who was that?" Gilbert still isn't sure who the Bob Marley wannabe guy is.

"My ex-boyfriend. We were dating but he had to flee the country cuz his dad was an illegal drug trafficker and that caused a lot of problems. When he was jumping the border I promised that we'd get married if he ever came back but I guess now he knows that's not gonna happen. But he seemed chill with it though," Matthew, no. Assumptions are bad.

"K" says Gilbert.

"Anyway I thought aboot it and I am gonna call 1800-HELLA - FRIDGE," Matt says. So he does. The slutty Icelandic one is the one who picks up.

"Oh sorry we're like all booked cuz some guy named Carlos asked us to kill two guys for a good price," pause, "fuck I wasn't supposed to say that," then he hung up.

"Gilbert, I think Carlos hired the assassins to assassinate us because I won't marry him," Matt assumes. Stop assuming things Matthew.

"I thought you said he was chill with it!?1?1!?1" exclaims Gil.

"I learned a valuable lesson today," preaches Matt, "don't make assumptions and friendship is magic."

"Slay," says Gilbert.

I feel like this chapter is lacking something... Oh! Some online action.

* * *

><p><strong>PeterLovesPrussians<strong>: Lauren didn't like the cosplay :( she screamed when she saw us then I got sent to the office

**G_Beilschmidt:** this isn't the kind of online action I wanted

**PeterLovesPrussians:** What

**G_Beilschmidt:** What

* * *

><p><strong>LaurenTheRock:<strong>Helloooooo

**G_Beilschmidt:** Um

* * *

><p>Gilbert recognized that username from somewhere what was it... Oh ya...<p>

* * *

><p><strong>LaurenTheRock:<strong> You're probably wondering who I am

**G_Beilschmidt:** No not rly

**LaurenTheRock:** I'm the one who caused this while mess

* * *

><p>Oh okay. Maybe he does want to know<p>

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilschmidt:<strong> You're the reason matt and I are gonna be killed?

**LaurenTheRock:** Mmmmhmmm~

**LaurenTheRock:** But u don't know who I am :p

* * *

><p>Actually I do Gilbert thinks but he won't tell her that. She probably doesn't know that Peter has been taking to him. Fucking assumptions.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilschmidt:<strong> You're right I don't. I don't quite understand what u mean by 'im the one who caused this whole mess.' how did u manage to cause it?

**LaurenTheRock:**I'm the one who got u and Matt together

**G_Beilschmidt:** Wtf how I'm pretty sure I did that myself

**LaurenTheRock:** I hacked into your ig account and caused you to follow matt

* * *

><p>Oh that's actually makes sense. Gilbert doesn't really recall ever actually following Matt...<p>

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilschmidt:<strong> Okaayy... But how did u know I'd dm him?

**LaurenTheRock:** Hmmmm call it luck

**G_Beilschmidt:** Luck?

**LaurenTheRock:** I'm a strong believer in my own luck. Kinda like Nagito Komaeda from Dangan Ronpa 2

**G_Beilschmidt:** Oh I love that game. And Nagito

**LaurenTheRock:** Same

**LaurenTheRock:** ANYWAY I was also the one who helped Carlos escape Cuba and come to Canada

**G_Beilschmidt:** Oh

**LaurenTheRock:** I can't say I expected Alfred and Feliks to hook up tho

**G_Beilschmidt:** No one expected that

**G_Beilschmidt**: Oh and one more question: why did you do this in the first place?

**LaurenTheRock:** For the yaois

**G_Beilschmidt:** Right, okay, u need help

**LaurenTheRock:** No I just need faster wifi

**LaurenTheRock:** I gtg but remember: you're fucked. The only way out of this is for you to come to me and prove to me yourself that you are worth of the title King of Yaoi

**G_Beilschmidt:** Mhm and how do I do that?

**LaurenTheRock:** You must show me your yaoi hands

**G_Beilschmidt:** I just looked up yaoi hands wtf is that even possible?

**LaurenTheRock:** Anything is possible ;)

**LaurenTheRock:** Friendly reminder that you have no idea who I am or where I live

* * *

><p>Actually, Gilbert thinks, I do<p>

* * *

><p><strong>G_Beilschmidt:<strong> Hey peeeeeeter. Where does Lauren live?

* * *

><p><strong>BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT INTENSE PLOT TWIST<strong>

**LOL thanks for reading. There's probably only one or two more chapters til this is finished. I dunno if I'm happy or sad about that**

**If u understood any of the references this chapter let me know and we can start planning the wedding (o3o)**

**So long and goodnight, so looooooong and goodniiight**


End file.
